What do you do when the apology never comes?

In this episode, De’Quan and Darnesha talk about the emotional weight of waiting for an apology that may never come. When someone who hurt you refuses—or simply isn’t capable of taking accountability—it can leave you stuck between pain, confusion, and unanswered questions.

Together, they explore how holding on to the expectation of an apology can keep us trapped in cycles of hurt. Through honest conversation and real-life perspective, they discuss the importance of self-validation, emotional boundaries, and learning how to find closure without relying on someone else’s acknowledgment.

This episode challenges listeners to rethink what healing looks like and reminds us that peace is still possible—even when the apology never comes. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Today's topic is the apology that never came.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Why do we expect people who hurt us to also be the ones who kill us?

SPEAKER_03 0:10

I was waiting for somebody to apologize to me for seven years. Seven, seven years. So maybe they didn't apologize to me because they weren't sorry.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

Oh, oh, did you get your answer?

SPEAKER_03 0:22

I got my answer. And I oh, you see that? Thank you. Thank you, Holy Spirit.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

That was not my intentions to hurt your feelings. It really wasn't.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Hey, hey, hey, welcome to the trigger happy hour where we take shots of the truth, straight with no chase.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

It's your host that do the most declared on your chest. And get ready as we dive deep, laugh loud, and heck triggers, you can dive in.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

What it up, y'all, cause feeling ain't always pretty.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

But it's always real.

SPEAKER_03 0:51

Hey, it's your girl, Darnisha, licensed mental health counselor, mommy of two. I like to give it to you straight with no chase, but sometimes I gotta put a little bit of sugar on the rim to sweeten it up. But either way it goes y'all already know. I'm gonna give it to y'all. 100 proof truth.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

And you already know what time it is. It's your boy Daquan, giving it to you straight with no chase. Let's flip that doubt into drive. No more negative thinking. Let's make today popping for you.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

All right, y'all. So we're gonna get into it. Today's topic is the apology that never came. Because, woo! Some of y'all still waiting, still waiting and still waiting.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

All right. Today we're gonna play a little game of would you rather, all right? Would you rather take one week dream vacation with someone you rarely like, or only get to spend a night in a local hotel with the love of your life? Darmisha, would you rather what?

SPEAKER_03 1:45

So when we talk about a dream vacation for a whole week with somebody that I rarely like, or one night at a local hotel with the love of my life. We're gonna choose the latter. I'd rather spend one night with somebody that I truly want to be with than to fake it for a whole week with somebody that give me the heebie jeebies when they try to give me a hug.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

It's the heebie jeebies for me, girl.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

It's the heebie jeebies. You have a yeah, somebody ever touched you and you was like, oh.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Yeah. Yeah, I have. I have. I was like, oh my God, why are you touching me?

SPEAKER_03 2:24

What's your answer?

SPEAKER_00 2:26

Baby, I'm all about love. So, because I can't fake it. I can't fake it till you make it, all right? Even though the dream vacation, it sounds good and tempting, but if it's somebody that I rarely like, that means me and them gonna clash. And that's just gonna mess up my whole thing.

SPEAKER_03 2:45

All right, so I have one. Would you rather, and this goes into today's topic, would you rather never get an apology or get a half-hearted one?

SPEAKER_00 2:56

I'd rather ne I wouldn't, I don't want a half-hearted one at all. I'd rather just be okay without one. What about you?

SPEAKER_03 3:05

No, the same. Like, don't give me no half-assed apology. Either you're sorry or you ain't, because if it's half-hearted, then they're gonna continuously do the things that required them to apologize in the first place. They don't really want to apologize. So don't give me an apology that's not sincere or one that's not genuine. You can you can hold on to that.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Or you know what, you know what's another one? What? If they give you an apology, but there's always a but after it.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Ooh, right. I'm sorry, but if you had no, no, just validate my feelings, boo.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Yeah. Because if it's gonna be a but, then it cancels out the apology. Do you ever hear that? Okay, yeah, I'm sorry, but you made me, no, no, no, no, no. Don't even give me a sorry if you're gonna say but because that cancels it out. Once you put that comma and but after it, it cancels out the first thing that you just said to me.

SPEAKER_03 4:00

Facts, facts, facts. All right, y'all. So that was a little snippet. And before we get into it, we're gonna give our disclaimer. This is not a substitution for therapy. We are just a sounding board. If you need professional help, please seek professional counseling. You can call 988, you can go to psychology today, or you can simply Google for a local therapist counselor, substance abuse counselor, whatever, cup couples counseling, whatever you need. The resources are out there. So we are just here as a sounding board and we just here to get it real, y'all.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

So if you guys have insurance and it's if it's through your employer, use EAP. Because if you don't want to pay for it right off the bat, then EAP give you five free sessions before you even start paying for it. So test out the therapist. You know, if you go to one and you don't like it, it's okay. You can go ahead and move to another one. Find the ones that's going to fit you.

SPEAKER_03 4:58

Mm-hmm. Yep. At a minimum, you get five sessions. So take advantage of that. And like Dequan said, if you don't like the person, get somebody else. I promise you. Therapists will not be offended because your well-being is the priority of the therapist. So make sure y'all get that help. All right, so we're gonna jump into it. Let's talk about it, y'all. That apology you deserved. Oh, that's a strong word. The apology you deserve. But you never got, and we're talking about from a parent. You never got that apology from that parent that abandoned you. You never got that apology from that partner that left you, abandoned you, cheated on you. You never got that apology from a friend. You never got that apology from a job. And then it left you replaying the situation over and over and over, like, dang, did I do something wrong? What happened? Was it me? And the part that people don't talk about is how the lack of an apology can feel like your pain didn't matter enough to be acknowledged, y'all. That's real.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

Sometimes the apology never comes because it requires accountability. Okay, let me go ahead and say that again. It requires accountability. And not everyone is ready to face who they were in that moment, and then we're left trying to heal without closure.

SPEAKER_03 6:19

Right. Accountability. That's a strong word. And everybody don't know what it means, and everybody don't know how to accept it. Accepting accountability means I've done something wrong or I've done something to hurt someone. I've acknowledged the fact that I wronged them. I acknowledge the fact that I hurt them. I acknowledge the fact that I was possibly in the wrong, but I still won't admit it. I still will not admit the fact that, yeah, that was my bad. No, that's not right to do that. And so let's explore that a little bit. Have you ever been waiting for closure from a situation that you never received? I I like to call it force closure, where you kind of forced to just be like, all right, it is what it is. But still, you'd be like, dang, what happened what I do? Has that ever happened to you in a situation?

SPEAKER_00 7:07

It actually has. It really has. But you know what? I would say in the end, I actually got one later on, years later. But like you said, it was a foreclosure. I had to accept the fact that, well, me and that person would never talk again. And I was cool with that. And I had to understand, I don't need their apology. It would be nice to have it, but do I really need that apology at that moment? No, because I I'm still moving, I'm still living. And sometimes we gotta be okay with we're not going to get that because again, but it's it requires them to be accountable for their actions, for what they for who they were in the past if they have not changed.

SPEAKER_04 7:50

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 7:51

Right. So when you finally ended up getting that apology later on down the line, did that change anything for you?

SPEAKER_00 7:58

It did not change anything, but it did give me some closure. Like I would say it didn't change anything as far as I was still living, I was still doing the things that I need to do as an adult. Not having that apology did not stop me from living. It did not stop me from making friends, and it did not stop me from moving on. But it did give me the closure that I wanted and it felt good. But even if I didn't get that closure, I was still good because I wasn't even thinking about that person anymore.

SPEAKER_04 8:27

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 8:27

And I and I wanna I do want to get into the denial aspect of it, right? So the first thing that came to my mind is when someone does something to you and then they never apologize, and then y'all kind of sever ties. But you being denial, like, dang, they really, they really played me like that. Like, I can't believe that this person that I've known for this long or I've been friends with for this long or whatever the situation may be, like, they really, that's how they really cut. That's how it really is. So that denial kicks in because you like dang, they really not sorry.

SPEAKER_04 9:00

Or you like it hurt me.

SPEAKER_03 9:01

And then even on the opposite end of the spectrum, do you think you've ever been in a situation where you were the one that probably owed someone an apology and you just had a difficult time accepting accountability for your actions?

SPEAKER_00 9:16

No, because I can always be. No, because I can always be accountable for my actions. If I wronged you, then I am man enough to say, I wronged you, and I wasn't wrong. Now, do I feel like it in that moment? No, because I'm probably heated, I'm probably in the moment, but later on down the line, the person that I am, I beat myself up about it because I always go back and say, well, I could have did this different, I could have said that, or did I really have to say that? But nah, I'm always gonna be accountable for what I uh what I'm gonna have to say, you know, or give that person an apology. Because if I would want somebody to apologize to me for hurting my feelings, I'm not going to hold that from anybody else. If I hurt anybody, I'm gonna say this now, if you never heard it. If I hurt you in the past, then I am sorry. And I genuinely mean that I am sorry because everybody deserves an apology.

SPEAKER_03 10:14

So when you say if I hurt you, if I hurt anybody, is that actually apologizing? Because it's like a if, like either you did or you didn't. Like I feel, I feel, I I personally feel like I would know if my actions cause somebody to feel some type of way. So it's a I'm sorry for hurting you, but if I hurt you, you know you hurt them, right? Or no?

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Well, sometimes people will mask it and not say that it hurt them. Because some people will not say, oh, you hurt my feelings. But if I really did and you didn't verbalize that to me to say that, hey, you hurt my feelings, then I won't, I I wouldn't know. Because I joke a lot, right? And sometimes when I feel like I'm joking, I'm just joking, right? But what I may say may have hurt somebody, and I did not know that. And they just kept that in. So that's why I don't want to withhold an apology. Because if that person never told me that I hurt them, then how would I know if I hurt them? Especially if it was a joke. You know, a lot of people can be prior and not say, Well, you hurt my feelings. You know, when you did this, you hurt my feelings.

SPEAKER_03 11:31

Right. So I gotta come at this from two different versions of myself. Like the younger version, I can look back and be like, it was some things that I didn't take accountability for that I should have or I could have at the time. And then, but this version of myself, I would say at least 30 and up, 30, 35 and up. If I come to you, if I if I say something to you, I I'm standing 10 toes down on what I'm saying because I have learned to be more assertive in my approach. And well, back in the day, I was very aggressive with the way that I communicated. So it probably did, it probably did hurt some feelings, right? However, now I remember having a conversation with one of my girls, and we were in conversation about me and one of the other girls being into it. And she said something along the lines of, well, how do you feel about being the one that apologized? And I said, I'm not sorry. So why am I going to apologize for something that I'm not apologetic for? You know what I'm saying? So I really struggle with that because I'm I'm the type of person, if I say something, there's a reason behind me saying it. And if I'm expressing how I feel, I can't change that. I feel how I feel. But I'm not gonna apologize for feeling the way that I feel. So I think it's very important to accept accountability. Is it difficult for some people? Yeah. Especially when you grew up in a household and you always got blamed for everything and you felt the need to always have to defend yourself all the time. So the minute somebody points a finger at you, you automatically defensive. Because here it is, another situation where you got to defend yourself. And then another thing we want you guys to understand is like the hard truth of it all, that closure doesn't always come from the person. Sometimes it comes from, like we said, that force, that force closure, but sometimes it comes from us deciding that we just done waiting. We just done like I could, I could say I was waiting for somebody to apologize to me for seven years. Seven, seven, seven years. And it just never came. And so I had to accept it is what it is. Maybe that person don't even see what they did impacting me in a way. I don't see how because I'm very vocal, but all right, I'll give you that. You you don't want to apologize. Same reason why I didn't want to apologize, I wasn't sorry. Oh, hey. So maybe they didn't apologize to me because they weren't sorry.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Did you get your answer?

SPEAKER_03 13:59

I got my answer. And I you see how thank you. Thank you, Holy Spirit. But that's how it worked. So, hmm, all right. So we're gonna dive into um why the apology never came. Sometimes the apology doesn't come because acknowledging harm would disrupt how someone sees themselves.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

Ooh, and then there's other times people confuse intent with impact. I didn't mean to become a shield instead of accountability.

SPEAKER_03 14:29

Ooh, I didn't mean to do that.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

I did not.

SPEAKER_03 14:32

That was not my intention.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

It was not. And it really has happened because, for instance, I have a friend that I worked with. She had pulled me to the side one time and said, you know, Daquan, at one point, the way that you joked, I I took it some type of way. Because it seemed like I was always, you was always picking that. Then I had to learn that that's just you. You picking at me. If you didn't really mess with me, you wouldn't just be picking at me. And it's not that you mean any harm behind it, but I had to change how I was taking it. And I told her, I, and if and I'm going to tell her tomorrow too, when I see her, that I do apologize for when you was taking it like that, because that was not my intentions to hurt your feelings. It really wasn't. I just wanted to, if I didn't rock with you, I wouldn't be sitting here joking with you. But again, I have to realize that sometimes my playfulness can hurt others. And that is not my intention.

SPEAKER_03 15:40

So Dang, that resonated with me so good. I heard you saying that you were joking around with your coworker or whatever. And then she, thank God you guys were had the relationship that was strong enough to where she was able to come to you and be like, yeah, that that wasn't so funny. Because I'm the same way. And um what I had to realize was if this joke is at the expense of somebody else's embarrassment, shut, shut up. You know what I'm saying? Just shut up, just be quiet. Because, like, like you said, the impact and the intent, it's like a confusion there. And so people want to use that as a scapegoat. Well, that wasn't my intentions, but you can't take away the impact that it had on somebody just because it wasn't your intention to hurt them. That doesn't mean that the impact was bare minimum. It could have had a detrimental impact, even though it wasn't intentional. So acknowledge, acknowledge is the key word. Acknowledge the fact that what you did or what you said was impactful to somebody else and accept accountability. Another key word. Accept accountability for the impact that you had on somebody else.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Because, you know, we do not know what somebody else has gone through in the past to make them feel like when you're joking with them, it hurts because if they did not tell you that they was picked on in the past and somebody used to do this all the, you know, all the time, and it brings them back to that space. Well, maybe that's not the space that I wanted you to go to. I'm just a jokey person. But in that aspect, since I hurt your feelings, I do apologize for that because that wasn't my intention. So I take full accountability and realize that I have to change how I joke with certain people. Because at one point in time, I was very sensitive about how people would talk to me. I could dish it out, but I couldn't take it. So I had to become, I had to stop being so sensitive and realize when people are saying stuff and I took it the wrong way. At one point, I didn't like constructive criticism, right? Because that means I had to look back on what I was doing incorrectly, and I had to take the truth and be like, well, I knew I was doing this right. Nah, homie, this is not actually the right way. So getting that constructive criticism, you get defensive, you shut down, you close off, and you get an attitude. So I had to rewind, take accountability, and see the wrongs that I've done and change that when it came to constructive criticism.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

I don't like the word constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

Ultimately, at the end of the day, it's somebody pointing out something that is incorrect or that could use some improvement. And sometimes it's just the embarrassment of, I feel like I already be knowing. But when somebody else pointed out, ooh, how dare you point that out about me? I thought I was hiding that. I thought I was masking that. So when somebody actually pointed out, it's like, ooh, now I gotta do something about it.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

You see, see, for me, if I can call it out on my own, before you can call it out, baby, I you can say it, but I already called it out anyway. So it ain't gonna hurt my feelings because I recognize why I could do this better, and I can do this better. So before somebody can try to say, well, you did this wrong, you did that. No, homie, I already analyzed myself. And I said, ooh, and I'm telling you that, hey, I can do, I can work on this and I can work on that. I know my attitude is stank. And that's just in general. I know my attitude can be stained. I didn't need your facial expression. Yeah, nonverbal said a lot.

SPEAKER_03 19:31

I'm laughing because my mama thinks I am just a meanest person. And some days can do it. She'd be so nervous to call me about some stuff. She'd be like, Bonnie, can I no?

SPEAKER_04 19:58

But jeez, can I say it before you say no?

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Oh my God. That's why you mean, that's why we get along so well. We freaking prat, girl.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

That's funny.

SPEAKER_03 20:14

Let's get into these unfair expectations, though.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Oh, baby, let's talk about expectations. Why do we expect people who hurt us to also be the ones who heal us? Let's talk about that.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Wait, wait, the people that want to do what?

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Why do we expect people who hurt us to also be the ones who heal us? Can we talk about that?

SPEAKER_03 20:39

That is a setup. Come on now. It keeps us emotionally attached to someone who already showed us their limitations. They showed you who they was, believe them the first time. They hurt you. You want this person that hurt you to come and heal your wounds only for what what uh Tiffany Pollard say on New York say on the flavor list. You're gonna open up the same womb, Flav. The same womb. The same womb. You gone on the show two times. He didn't choose you the first time. So you go back a second time and he didn't choose you again?

SPEAKER_00 21:17

With the same stink attitude. With the same stink attitude. Queen of reality. Queen of reality.

SPEAKER_03 21:23

He showed you who he flavored, Flav. He showed you who he was the first time. But we want we want them to heal us. You hurt me, but come and be my savior. What part of the game is that? That's delusional.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

Where's my card at? I need to have a delusional card.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

Delusional, man. All right. So, not getting this apology. It can turn into self blame. Maybe I was too sensitive. Maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe it was it was me. Maybe it really wasn't their fault. No, you're not. What did I just say? Delusional? Yeah, you might be delusional in that situation, but expecting for somebody to apologize for hurting you, there's nothing delusional about that. Especially somebody that you care for, somebody that allegedly cared for you. There's nothing wrong with asking for an apology. You don't have to blame yourself.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Exactly. Or if I explain it better, they'll finally get it. Meanwhile, you're over-explaining your pain to someone committed to misunderstanding you. Why are you over-explaining? Why are you over? You are over-explaining yourself, over-explaining to somebody that's yet again committed to misunderstand who you and your feelings are.

SPEAKER_03 22:46

And now you're mad and you're frustrated. Well, why don't they just don't get it? Why are you expecting them to get it? They don't want to. They already made up in their mind what they're thinking. And you got in your mind what you're trying to convey. They're not trying to hear it. They're listening for a response. They're not listening to understand you. They committed to misunderstanding you. So you're wasting your time, you're wasting your breath, you're wasting your energy. So if I keep saying it, let me say it slower. Let me say it in sign language. Do you understand what it works? Like, do I gotta keep repeating myself? Do I gotta say it in different languages for you to comprehend what I'm trying to say?

SPEAKER_00 23:25

You know who you're trying to explain yourself to? It sounds like a narcissist. Somebody that never takes claim or accountability for something that they have done to you. They feel like they are always in the right, and you're the one that's tripping. You're the one that's too sensitive. Don't gaslight me. That's one thing you can do to get on my nerve, is gaslight me. And then you try to play in my face. Let me walk out before I hurt you.

SPEAKER_03 23:56

Give an example of gaslighting for me because a lot of people don't really understand the full meaning of what it looks like to be gaslit. Can you give an example?

SPEAKER_00 24:05

Yes, baby. For instance, I'm telling you that you hurt my feelings. You're sense, you're too sensitive. That's not what it means. I didn't do it like that. You the one that's tripping. You the one that's tripping. I seen a video, baby, and it keyed me. It gave me a whole key. They read this one. They said, my uh my ex used to gaslight me so much. If they was on fire, all I would tell them is, what are you doing? You're not on fire. You're not on fire. You tripping. You gonna tell me I'm not on fire when the fire is on me?

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Right, right. Like I can feel the heat. I can feel see the flames.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

No, you're not, you're not on fire. You tripping. That's just that's just the sun burning you. Like, people don't understand. When you do that, try to play somebody in a base, that can be a very dangerous game for a lot of people. I don't know if y'all know what that show calls is.

SPEAKER_03 25:07

I know what Snap is. I I could have been on there a couple of times, a couple of episodes, okay?

SPEAKER_00 25:12

I think me and you both.

SPEAKER_03 25:13

I know what Snap is. I'm trying to listen, I'm trying to let go of her. She is suppressed. I'm trying to keep her suppressed. All right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

So we don't need the old one. We don't need the old girl. No. Darnesha, no.

SPEAKER_03 25:28

No. That's Bonnie. Bonnie from Saginaw. That's who that one is. I'm be trying to keep Bonnie a little hidden a little bit. All right, y'all. Go ahead, my back.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Uh, I was gonna say, my cousin, when I get snappy or anything, she said, oh, Christopher's out right now. When you hear my New York accent, Christopher, baby, when my accent, my New York accent come out real heavy, Christopher's out. And I try to keep him under.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

Christopher Robin.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

I try to keep him under wraps. You know, you know, you can thank my mother for that middle name, Christopher.

SPEAKER_02 26:01

But I like it.

SPEAKER_03 26:02

Christopher.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Yes. All right, y'all. Well, let's get into letting go without closure, y'all.

SPEAKER_03 26:10

How do we do that?

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Closure doesn't always come from a conversation. Sometimes closure is you deciding. I believe myself.

SPEAKER_03 26:19

I believe, I believe myself. That goes into not allowing somebody to gaslight you into thinking that what you were feeling wasn't accurate or what you were thinking was not accurate. You just have to decide, oh, okay, I believe myself. It's so it's okay. So acceptance does not mean approval. It does not mean that you have to like it. But acceptance literally means it is what it is. And I have to move forward. And then if if go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 26:47

No, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 26:48

I'm saying if if if you're in a situation and you really got this on your mind heavy and that you really just going back and forth about it, maybe that friendship or maybe that relationship or maybe that job wasn't even worth it, wasn't worth the energy, or wasn't worth the time and the effort if you can't even get the validating statements or you can't get the accountability. Let that go. So when we're talking about closure not coming from a conversation, that goes into like your next situationship, your next friendship. You gotta have some stronger boundaries there. Let that stuff be known up front. Talk about my I talk about my issues. If I have an issue, I'm not gonna suppress it. If you upset me, I'm adult enough to say, you know what you said, that made me feel a little bit disrespected. Or that hurt my feelings a little bit. Or I didn't like when this happened. And how you respond will tell me everything I need to know about that relationship, everything I need to know about that friendship. It will let me know if I'm in a psychological safe space. And if I'm not, I'm out of there. Because I'm not gonna have friendships and relationships where I got a tippy toe, where I have to walk on eggshells, where I can't be vulnerable, or when I can't be myself, when I can't be authentic. So set those boundaries in the beginning. This is what you can expect from me, and this is what I expect in return. That's the that's the key part. This is what I expect in return from a relationship. This is what I respect uh expect in return from a friendship.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

Yes, because having no expectations as far as setting those boundaries and what you will take and what you will not take. Like what I heard you say was that I'm going to tell you how I feel, and your response is going to warrant how I'm gonna handle you in the future, if I want to continue this friendship or partnership or not. Because I learned from my past that I need to start setting boundaries for my future. And then if my if you did not respect my boundaries in the past, baby, I'm not gonna have that going into the future. If somebody is not gonna respect my boundaries, oh, you know what? It was nice talking to you. I don't think this is gonna work. It's not me, it's you.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

What'd you say? Talk that ish. You said I learned from my past how I'm gonna do what?

SPEAKER_00 29:09

Learn and how I'm gonna handle in my future. Future.

SPEAKER_03 29:17

Come on now.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Because I learned from not setting boundaries. I learned from respecting myself and my emotions that I deserve to be heard and to be validated. Because if I'm gonna hear you when you tell me that I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry, right? So if you're not gonna do the exact same thing for me, then baby, this seems like it's one-sided. Now I'm not about to be on this one side on this one-way street. No, baby, it's a two-way lane. You go, listen, because I respect you enough to hear you and validate you, I want the same in response. If you're not gonna do that, then baby, we don't need to be together. We don't need to be friends. We don't need to be associates. Baby, you can lose my number right here and now.

SPEAKER_03 30:11

Now, don't get it twisted. Being in a field that we're in, we know everybody is not gonna respond in the same manner as manner as us. I can be on the phone with somebody and the conversations are constantly just being talked over, you know, like cutting each other off and stuff like that. I think Daquan and I, we we kind of had the dynamic where we hear one another out or whatever. We don't talk over each other as frequently. I don't have these expectations with certain friends. We just have different communication styles. So it's it's you gotta have some realistic expectations that are fair, right? However, to Daquan's point, yeah, I expect the same respect that I give you. If I'm gonna hear you out, I want you to hear me out too. Your hearing me out might not look like the way that I hear you. Like I'm you might have my undivided attention and I might not cut you off or whatever. But I still want some validation. I still want you to be like, Darnish, I understand where you're coming from. I get that. You know, you don't have to agree with me. You don't have to agree with me, but hear me.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

And that's all that we want to hear is that you listened to what I said and heard me to understand, okay, I hear what you're saying. And again, I don't have to agree with you, but I do hear what you're saying. You know, people fail to realize that because again, they just want to hear, they just want you to hear how they feel. Some people don't necessarily necessarily care about how you feel, but as long as you hear what they said, they good. They easy easy. But I can't have a one-sided friendship or partnership or whatever it is, I can't it can't be one-sided because it has to be there for each other. If you respect each other or care for each other, just listen, uh hear them out. And again, y'all don't have to you can agree to disagree.

SPEAKER_04 32:07

Mm-hmm. That's what people disagree.

SPEAKER_00 32:10

That's what pe people fail to fail to realize is that we can agree to disagree. We don't have to always agree on everything. Me and Darnesian may not agree on everything, but if we can come to a point where we can agree to disagree and we hear each other, we can move past it. We can get on. We can get over that, huh? But you it has to be a mutual respect.

SPEAKER_03 32:33

Right. All right, y'all. So again, we gave y'all some vital information that you can take with you on your day-to-day. We talked about what it feels like to not receive closure, how you can feel stuck in denial, how you can start self-blaming yourself for not getting that closure or not getting that apology that you've been waiting for. We've talked about how you sometimes have to force closure, even when you don't want to, even when you're still waiting and waiting and waiting. And sometimes you just gotta just close that chapter and be like, it is what it is.

unknown 33:12

It is.

SPEAKER_00 33:12

Yes. We also talked about unfair expectation and how that can be. You gotta set real expectation goals for yourself. We also talked about what we tell ourselves. You don't have to over-explain yourself. You don't have to, let's just say you don't have to overexplain yourself. Let's just say that. Because if somebody is not gonna understand you, they're not trying to commit to understand. They're just committed to misunderstand you. All right. And we also talk about letting go without closure. Because sometimes you're not always gonna get that closure, and you're gonna have to be okay with that because some people are just not capable of just giving that to you, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_03 33:57

Mm-hmm. That is okay. All right, so y'all already know what time it is.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA. It's time for the QA.

SPEAKER_03 34:19

All right, all right, all right. DeQron, what is our QA question of the day?

SPEAKER_00 34:26

This comes from Whitney from Indianapolis. Hey Witwit. How you doing, girl?

SPEAKER_03 34:33

We call her Wit, too. Hey, Wit Coach Wit. Hey, Coach Wit.

SPEAKER_00 34:37

You know, I'm good for a nickname, so Wit wants to know how do you deal with your mental health when you're in a mental health field. Girl.

SPEAKER_04 34:50

Shaking the table.

SPEAKER_00 34:51

She done shook the table.

SPEAKER_04 34:53

Shaking the table.

SPEAKER_00 34:54

Girl. You know, listen, and I ain't told my Beyonce, okay? Listen, it is, for me, it's not the easiest thing because I work in a field. I work in the psychiatric. I work for one of the big one of our um organizations uh in the mental health field, one of the biggest in Texas. And I still don't understand how we don't get a mental health day, but that's neither here nor there. But what I do to help with my mental health, I go to therapy. I I do some self-care. I do, I go to the gym. I hit the gym. I've been hitting the gym every day. Almost I have like two rest days out the week. Um, I try to go out, like even this week. I went out, you know, just for a little, little happy hour. Um, and it was good. It was very cheap and expensive, girl. Spent$30, and I was happy. It's something that it takes your mind off of work and being in this field when you constantly have to be bombarded because I had a client last week, and I was so in it, it was the counter-transparence happening. Like I took on that individual's hang and you know, that feeling. And it was when I say it weighed heavy on me. It really did. And I told my supervisor, I was like, hey, like, I maybe I shouldn't have did, you know, X, Y, and Z because that really weighed on me. She said, listen, you have to learn how to let that go. Don't take that home with you. Let it go right here. It it was intense, but let it go right here. But you can't take that home with you. And that is so true because day to day I hear, we hear different things, uh, and it's heavy. It can be very, very heavy. And sometimes, like I'm an empath, I can take on people's feelings. And I'm not even trying to, but it's just the person in me. But I'm so in tune in what I do that I have to learn how to whew, woo-sah. And I have to take care of my mental health, and I have to even talk about it. Like, supervision was one way for me to get that off of me. Because I had to talk about it to get it off. Run into my car so I can go home. Cause I'm I get with my people. My people's that I can joke around, play with, and do all those things to get my mind off of work. What about you?

SPEAKER_03 37:31

I think you answered that question very eloquently. So, whatever you like, whatever kind of food you like, I am just going to ditto what you said. I heard you say being in therapy, I heard you say going to supervision, I heard you say hanging out with your friends, I heard you say going to the gym. I heard you say being a basically, you gotta be aware. Like then when you're empathetic, it's natural to take on the emotions of somebody can tell you a story and you feel like it's happening to you. I remember being in between sessions, finding out that one of my uh students had passed away the first time I had ever lost a client. That was very detrimental. And I had to stand there stoic and go through a whole therapy session after the fact with someone else. And but after that, you don't think I screamed to the top of my lungs? I cried. You just gotta allow yourself time to be human. Because you are human. It has been sessions where I'm literally fighting tears because I'm hearing the trauma. So, but like Daquan said, you gotta learn to leave that at work. You can't take that home with you. Or it will, you won't have a home life. You have to have a work-life balance. So um, hopefully that was helpful for you, Coach Witt. Thank you for the question.

SPEAKER_00 38:49

Thank you. That really was a good one. I love that. And it was right on time. Right on time.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

All right. So we're gonna get into our affirmation and action of the day. Do you have an affirmation in action of the day?

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Today's affirmation is I do not need an apology to validate my experience.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

Ooh, in the words of young, it ain't ooh. I do not need an apology to validate my experience.

SPEAKER_00 39:31

It's the ooh. Ooh. I got an epic.

SPEAKER_05 39:38

You call it up a knee. I call it.

SPEAKER_00 39:39

I got an epic. Hey, hey. Oh, you are full. You are full. And today's action for today is write the apology you never receive.

SPEAKER_03 39:54

Ooh, dang. Come on with the apology. Come on with the letter writing. At least a four-page letter?

SPEAKER_00 40:00

Okay. I'm writing the hymn up to the musical page letter.

SPEAKER_04 40:06

A little bit more. Hey. Little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 40:08

Hey, now you're gonna make me go listen to it.

SPEAKER_03 40:14

I'm still at the beginning. I'm still trying to get the producer to turn the music up. Just a little bit more. A little bit more. Write the apology letter you never received. That's what's up.

SPEAKER_00 40:29

Yo, and also say everything you wish they had said. And that apology letter, say everything that you wish that person would have said to you.

SPEAKER_03 40:38

I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna do that. I got a couple of apology letters I need to write. I I actually need to write some myself to other people. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Yeah. Are you gonna send them?

SPEAKER_03 40:48

Well, no.

SPEAKER_00 40:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:52

So hold on. Because it's a reason. I I literally can't.

SPEAKER_00 40:56

Mm-hmm. No, that's fine. Then then burn it.

SPEAKER_03 40:59

Not yeah, I can burn it, but those individuals are no longer here.

SPEAKER_00 41:03

So if they're no longer here, then you can release it.

SPEAKER_03 41:08

Release! One, two, three, release it.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

And then they'll get it. They got it.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

So I like that. I think I'm gonna do that too. I think I'm gonna do that too. Trying to think who I need to apologize.

SPEAKER_03 41:22

Well, that's good. All right, y'all. Well, here we go again. Season two. Season two. We thank y'all for rocking with us for another episode. This is so much fun for us.

SPEAKER_04 41:32

It is.

SPEAKER_03 41:33

We hope y'all got something from it today. We hope we made y'all laugh, made y'all get in y'all feelings a little bit, and we hope we made y'all think.

SPEAKER_00 41:41

Yes. That's the important thing.

SPEAKER_03 41:46

Yeah. So, how about take some accountability? You might need to hold yourself accountable for some things.

SPEAKER_04 41:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 41:53

Let go of those, those apologies that was never received. Apologize to yourself for hurting yourself. Because sometimes we hurt ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 42:03

Yes. That's the important thing. Say that again.

SPEAKER_03 42:06

Apologize to yourself because sometimes we hurt ourselves. We cause our own pain and discomfort.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

So yeah. I'm sorry. And we are the hardest person to forgive. We forgive everybody else, but we don't take time to forgive ourselves. And a lot of people tend to struggle with that. But you have to forgive yourself. If you want to get better, babe, you can't just apologize to that person that hurts you. You got to apologize for yourself for being in that space. Because we do sit there, I know I did, with take blame on, oh my God, I put myself in that situation. If I wouldn't have did this, I wouldn't have did be easy on yourself. I had to tell a, yes, you have to give yourself grace. I had to tell a client that give yourself some grace. You have to. Because if you can forgive that, you can Tom, Dick, and Harry, why not forgive yourself?

SPEAKER_03 43:05

Mm-hmm. All right. We love y'all.

SPEAKER_00 43:09

Do oh, I just want to also do a shout out to my girl, my homegirl, Jess Treats, for this nice, uh, nice cookies and cream cookie, baby, delusion.

SPEAKER_03 43:21

Jess Treats. Where's she based out of?

SPEAKER_00 43:23

Houston, Texas, girl.

SPEAKER_03 43:25

Based out of Houston, H Town, dressed. H Town Down. Got an Instagram handle.

SPEAKER_00 43:30

It is, and it's I well put it up. And baby, it's banging. I had some last night at the Super Bowl party.

SPEAKER_03 43:36

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 43:37

Ate item up. Ate them up.

SPEAKER_03 43:39

It reminds me. Let me see it again. That looks so good. Oh my God. That looks so good.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

I have to send you some, girl. I'll send you some.

SPEAKER_03 43:47

I'm trying to be so good. I'm trying to be so good. Send me some. I'm gonna text me my address. You know how that's all right, we out of here.

SPEAKER_00 43:59

Hey. And that's a wrap for this round of Trick A Happy Hour where we take shots of the truth with no chaser. It's broad conversations where the shots are sharp and it takes a sharper. And nothing gets off the table. If you like what you heard, hit that follow button, leave a review, and tell someone who can handle the heat. Pull up a bar student next week for more real talk. You can find us on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. Until then, stay bold, stay loud, and don't water it down.

SPEAKER_05 44:28

Cheers.